Begin Again

In February, surrounded by many good friends at one of our Sunday gatherings, I was baptized. Depending on your tradition and experience with this ancient, sacred practice, it may sound a little weird that someone currently serving as a pastor would take this step. For many, and understandably so, baptism is a one-time thing for kids or beginners. If it seems a little weird for a pastor to be baptized, I get it, I really do. So what is this about? Over the last six months or so, I’ve felt an enduring desire to begin again, to somehow experience God more like a child. Something about turning 45 last November has opened up all kinds of fascinating reflection on the first and second halves of life. As my internal world has shifted and expanded, I’ve found myself in search of external experiences that would express, galvanize, and bear witness to my growth. Long distance running has served as one such practice, baptism another. Below are the words I shared before being baptized. I share this in hope that it might continue to open the imagination of my friends and community to the creative possibilities of faith in an age of cynicism. I’m not suggesting everyone should be baptized, although that would be fun. What I am suggesting is that mid-life (and on) is full of wonderful opportunities to begin again.

 -------

(The words below were shared on February 11th at the Canvas gathering)

 
Funny, as this day has approached I’ve felt less and less like I know what to say in this moment. I really like words and I like to find ways to express what I’m feeling and thinking but in this case I feel like no matter how I describe this, or what direction I point in, there’s just so much more to it. The act of trying to say, “here it is, here are my reasons” almost feel comical in light of both the depth and the simplicity of what I’m sensing. It’s like whatever I could say here is like drawing a cup of water out of the ocean and trying to make sense of the whole beautiful, vast body of water by pointing to the cup.

I know this, I’m here to receive a gift. I’m here to take a leap of faith further into whatever the Father has for me.

 
So here’s my little cup…I know this…

 
I’m not here today because I’ve figured something out.

 
I’m not here today because this is the right thing to do.

 
I am here because in my life, God sure is figuring something out…God sure is doing something right.

 
I am here today because at this time in my life, the love of God has found me and come to me in places and ways I didn’t know existed. Today, I want to celebrate the love of God. Today, I want to say, I’m home.

 
Now I do realize depending on your tradition, experience, and thinking about baptism, it may seem a little funny or uncommon for someone who is already working as a pastor to be baptized. I’m good with that. Maybe it is kinda funny and that’s part of the gift. Some might see this as a bus driver with a bus full of people saying, “I still need to get my license.”

 
I also want to acknowledge there were many times before now that I would have avoided the ways this is kinda funny or different. The gift of this community is that I feel increasingly free to be myself, to be human, to be in process…and for most pastors, that’s rare. Thank you for being a friend to me and for cheering me on as I grow. Thank you for being a community where it’s encouraged to take risks.

 
I was baptized as a kid and I want to honor that moment. It was a lovely moment, a moment in which God met me and affirmed me. Looking back, I think I mostly entered that moment having felt I had figured something out and that I was trying to do the right thing. And that was very much what was going on around me there in that church context, we were trying to figure things out, and do the right thing. Those were fine motivations in that moment and God met me there right where I was in a beautiful way.

 
However, today, I’m in a different place, a new place. And I’m here because I want to do this, not because it’s expected. I’m here because God is showing me my process and journey has only just begun. I’m here to bear witness to this radical and beautiful vision I’ve received of the vast, spacious, all-encompassing, never-ending love of God. I’m here because I desire to somehow experience and grasp…

 
how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,

 
and

 
that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.

 
Now, in our day, those are bold words. It makes way more sense to be cynical, to hold back…to stand on the outside with many reasons not to get too carried away or caught up with the church but here and now, if we’re talking about love….love…may cynicism and resentment be damned. I want more. So I say to Jesus, where else would I go, you hold the words of eternal life. I want all you have to give.

 
I am here because in my life, God sure is figuring something out…God sure is doing something right.

 
Amen.

— Josh VonGunten